The One Major Lesson I Learned After Putting Thumbtacks in My Cereal
I’ve always been a curious person.
Boys, My Eyes Are Up Here, In This Jar
Stop staring at my tits and start looking at my eyes, which are in this jar on this shelf!
My Open Concept Kitchen Allows Me to Never Miss a Moment
In this kitchen, I am queen, of not just the kitchen, but the entire first floor.
I’m Always Here if You Want to Talk, Unless I’m At a Sandals Resort
You know that, right? I am always here for you unless I’m at Sandals which is about twice a year.
I’m a Feminist Because I Fart on Dicks in the Club
This is the next generation of feminism. This is dick-farting.
I Got a Makeover at Sephora and Now My Word is Law
For the first time in my life, I possessed the face of a winner, and now everything I say matters.
Why I’m Letting My 5-Year-Old Son Carry a Broken NuvaRing That He Found
If my child wants to carry a broken woman’s contraceptive device everywhere he goes, that’s his choice, and I support him.
I Can Only Come to The ‘Hamilton’ Soundtrack
I am Hamilton’s obedient servant, and I cannot take a break. Helpless against its erotic powers, without it I will never be satisfied.
I’m Swearing Off Men Forever Or Until He Texts Back
I am officially done with m—wait, did my phone buzz?
I’m The Chill Girl Who Can Hang With The Guys And Also Stray Cats
All I drink is whiskey, beer, and saucers of milk.
I Was the Other Woman But Now I’m Accidentally Locked in a Public Library and My Phone is Dead
“Other women” are rarely seen as they truly are—accidentally locked in a public library with a dead phone.
He Prorated Our Bottle of Wine on Our First Date
When I went on a blind date last Tuesday, I had no idea what to expect.
How Losing Those Extra Five Pounds Helped Me Believe in God Again
Here’s how this honest-to-goodness miracle helped me believe in God again.
I Want a Good Sex
It me, a big bitch woman with job and towels, but still, my little poon cannot do the sneeze.
I Am Absolutely Going to Marry Brian Unless He Breaks Up With Me
It’s impossible to imagine my life without him, unless I try.