To the Ladies of the House:
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever leather rolling chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of the female Representatives in this party, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of general social interactions with the guy Dems. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING in session. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Nancy, I’ve been having so much fun with my constituents this week, I’m helping the economy!” then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on The Hill to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and the Democratic Caucus does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your constituents. Newsflash: CONGRESSMEN DON’T LIKE BORING CONGRESSWOMEN. Oh wait, DOUBLE-FUCKING-NEWSFLASH: GUY DEMOCRATS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US AT FUNDRAISING GALAS IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post vote luncheons with House Republicans IN FRONT OF DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMEN. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to have your intern email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t get re-elected. And DO NOT fucking remind me that that word is politically incorrect. I don’t have time for your bullshit.
“But Nancy!”, you say in your whiny little bitch voice, “I’ve never been reprimanded by the Whip, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at votes (saying stuff like “durr what’s a filibuster?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually voting for pro-life bills. Pro. Fucking. Life. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about your district, YOU VOTE FOR OUR GODDAMN PARTY AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN A POLITICIAN BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to be in politics that you think being a good little bipartisan is going to make our PACs happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING BODY OF LEGISLATURE. I will fucking twat swat the next person I hear compromising, I WILL MAKE YOU CRY ON CSPAN. I DON’T EVEN CARE.
“Ohhh Nancy, your email has made me so sad I don’t know if I should even show up to vote.” Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that goes out for coffee with Rand Paul, or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit in chambers, this following message is for you:
DO NOT SHOW UP TO VOTE UNTIL YOU STOP SUCKING.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t vote. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS PARTY. I would rather have 40 girls who are moderates, talk to donors, and can wear the right fucking pantsuit for a fucking election season. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at today’s healthcare reform vote, I will tell you to leave even if you’re gonna give us the 2/3rd. I’m not even kidding. Try me. You can join the Republican ladies and maybe finally fucking learn how to put on some goddamn makeup.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I’m Nancy fucking Pelosi and I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.