Being single is inherently lonely and sad. It renders you barely a whole person, undeserving of rights or courtesy. But, it gets worse when you realize that your solo-status is also a hazard to your safety. Here are some activities to avoid when you’re single:
DON’T eat alone. Do you really want to be found sprawled on the floor after you choked on your dessert-only take-out order while watching a
DO eat in crowded places where there are lots of potential bystanders, helpers, or potential suitors to help with any incidents.
DON’T do it. It’s simply not worth the risk. If you ever move in with anyone, then go crazy! Go ahead and take romantic bubble baths five days a week like normal couples do. But if you’re single, DON’T. We get it: you’ve had a stressful day, and have no companion to talk to about it. But your bleak reality will get a whole lot bleaker when they’ve found you lifeless in the shower at the gym. Don’t have a gym? Since you’re single, I shouldn’t be so shocked.
DO take a sponge bath, like old people and people in hospitals. Sponge baths are sensual AND safe.
Have somewhere to be? Want to take a stroll around the neighborhood? Whatever you do, DON’T walk. You run the risk of tripping over your clumsy, undateable feet and falling into traffic or an open manhole cover.
DO hail cabs in a girly and desperate way, in order to alert single men to your helplessness.
DON’T RUN. Near a pool, on a street, or otherwise. You may be asking yourself (or your cat): “But you just said, ‘don’t walk!’” Yes, that’s right, I don’t want you walking OR running. First of all it looks pathetic to run without a partner and unless you are in a well-attended gym, the risk of injury is simply too great to chance while single.
DO get an online dating profile.
5. BUYING CLOTHES WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON
You don’t have time to try on that dress in the safety of the store? Well DON’T buy it, for God’s sake! Otherwise you’re left trying it on by yourself, in your home, without assistance for zippers, running the risk of getting completely stuck in a dress that doesn’t flatter you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Are you crazy?!
DO get drunk and go home with someone, at least once this year, so we can all stop worrying about you so much.