1. “Root” For a White Russian: The Root Chakra
Begin your path to spiritual awakening with some kava root, an all-natural sedative. As kava can taste a bit earthy, dissolve a tablespoon into a White Russian. Pairing this creamy bounty with ~*VODKA**~ will put an end to that pesky suffering once and for all!
2. Send Your Tampon On A Booze Cruise: The Sacral Chakra
Your sacral chakra is located in your lower abdomen, and one way to get there is down the boozy vaginal highway. For health and balance, soak a tampon with three tablespoons of probiotic yogurt with a shot of grapefruit Schnapps. Insert directly into your yoni and let the healing begin.
3. Juice Up: Solar Plexus Chakra
Give your morning a kick with some green juice! Simply add a tablespoon of spirulina to your morning Smirnoff Ice—it’ll give you that extra boost of balance to fully integrate you with your solar plexus chakra, the one and only center of core power that we have in this universe.
4. Share your Inner Joy: The Heart Chakra
As a spiritually awake individual, you naturally love all beings. Find that inner harmony in your heart chakra by sharing a large goblet of Bud Light Lime and low-grade tequila with a perfect stranger as you head out onto the street. Every day is Mardi Gras when you parade your newfound inner harmony!
5. Hear Me Roar (Via Text): The Throat Chakra
The throat chakra is all about truthfully expressing your feelings. Bring a handle of Captain Morgan with you into a lavender-infused bath, and text your ex all the things you never had the Inner Wisdom to share with him when you were together. If your inner Rati goddess is feeling frisky, send him a photo of your yearning yoni!
6. Fun Fasting: Third Eye Chakra
As it says in the Baghavad Gita, there is freedom through renunciation. Go on a spiritual fast by doing a Master Cleanse. Substitute lemon juice with a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade shaken with some cayenne pepper and a splash of kombucha, eight times a day for ten days. There will be nothing left inside you but pure energy.
7. Roll Like A Queen: The Crown Chakra
The crown chakra indicates full spiritual integration and enlightenment. To achieve this transformation, drop 16 hits of club-grade ecstasy tablets into a box of Franzia and see what the Universe has in store for you.
